Baby

Last Tuesday I went to see my doctor because according to my bathroom scale I had lost about seven pounds and I had been really, really sick. It was kind of intimidating because it was only my second time going and my husband couldn't go with me because he had a class. But I went, and I spent almost half an hour alone in the room waiting for her to get to me. Luckily I had one of my textbooks to read for homework, otherwise I would have gone crazy.
Finally Dr. Hansen came into the room. We talked for a few minutes about me being sick. She suggested eating more, which would help with my weight and the nausea. Then she asked if I wanted to try to hear a heartbeat. I laid back on the chair and she used the tool to listen for a heartbeat. It felt like forever waiting for her to find it. She finally did, and held it for a few seconds. I thought I heard it, but wasn't really sure. Then the baby must have moved because she lost it. She tried to find it again, but didn't have any luck. She assured me that she heard it so there was nothing to worry about. My chances for a miscarriage dropped to about 2% since she heard it. I was so relieved.
So today we went in for my monthly appointment and so Dr. Hansen could do a follow-up from the last visit. We talked for a few minutes. She offered me some medication but I told her I was starting to feel better and that maybe I was coming out of the "morning sickness" stage. Then we decided to listen to the heartbeat again. She had a very difficult time trying to find it. My heartbeat was so loud that she decided we wouldn't be able to hear it today. She told me she wasn't worried, but decided to do a quick ultrasound just to make sure everything was alright. We moved into the other room and I got ready for the ultrasound.
It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. We were able to see the image of our baby up on the screen. As soon as the picture came up we knew everything was alright because it was waving its arms and legs all over. We were also able to see the image of the heartbeat. It was so cool. Seeing the baby on the screen just made my pregnancy more real. Before I just felt like I was sick because I had symptoms similar to the flu. But now I realize there is a little human being growing inside of me. I wish words could explain exactly how I feel but they can't; or at least I could never articulate them well enough. I am so excited now and it somehow has made everything that I have gone through so far worth it. If I am this excited about an ultrasound I can't imagine how excited I'll be in 6 months when I am actually holding the baby in my arms.

Snow

Yesterday I thought it was going to snow. I got excited. I love the snow. The world becomes a magical place when it snows. It gets quiet, peaceful. My favorite is when it snows the really big flakes. Everything seems so much nicer when it snows.
I love it when it snows because you get to bundle up in sweaters, scarves, hats, gloves and boots. You are always so toasty warm from the layers that you have on. My favorite sweaters are light blue because I think I look good in light blue. Then you can cuddle up next to a warm fire with a mug of steaming hot cocoa and read a good book or watch a good movie. I also like to just sit on the couch and watch the snow fall. It's so magical
My favorite thing to do in the snow is play. I love building snow men because they can be so unique. You can use anything to make its face. Then the scarf can be any color you want. There are no rules, just what you want. I also like to go sledding. There was a spot where my family and our friends used to go every year. It was a nice long hill, not too steep. One year we took the missionaries up with us. It was a lot of fun.
I am really excited for it to snow this year. I just hope it snows soon. I hate it when it is just cold. If it is going to be cold it should at least snow too.

Blank Dialogue Exercise

Rachel is sitting at home alone, the big house dark and empty. The rain outside seems to reflect the sorrow that she feels within herself. Jeff is almost an hour late. It's the third time this week that he hasn't been home when he promised he would. Rachel is suspicious, but doesn't want to confront him about it. Their relationship has been been rocky for the past couple of months, and Jeff makes Rachel feel like it's her fault. As she sits in the dark, waiting for Jeff she realizes that she has to talk to him about it. She can't be blamed for not trying; she always tries to fix their relationship. Well she was tired of it. If he doesn't understand then she'll leave. She can't deal with it anymore. Lights pour into the house as Jeff turns his car into the driveway. "Hear we go," she mumbles under her breath as Jeff enters the house.
"Where have you been?" she asks, trying to keep her voice calm. They were just starting and she didn't want to get too upset already.
"Out." He mutters.
"Some excuse that is" she thinks to herself, then says out loud, "out?"
"That's right."
"I thought we talked about this kind of thing, Jeff."
"We have." he replies cooly. He knew he was starting to get under her skin.
The anger inside Rachel was growing. Jeff didn't seem to care at all. She has no idea where he had been. For all she knew he could have been at a strip club with his sleezy friends. How could he just brush her off like that? She was his wife and she deserved to be treated like that.
"And?" she asks questioningly, trying to get a feel for what he was thinking.
"I don't know what you're getting at," he says, raising his voice.
"I'm just trying to figure out what happened."
"Well, go ahead."
"How can I figure it out when you won't let me know what's going on? Nothing you have said has helped me. You said you would at least help me try to understand you."
"Sure, I will."
"Okay, that's what I'm talking about." She could hardly stand being in the same room with him. Their marriage was falling apart and he didn't seem to understand, or care. She searches his eyes, looking for the slightest trace of love, of compassion, of caring, or anything.
"What's what you're talking about, Rach? I don't understand what the problem is."
"The problem is that I just can't deal with this kind of crap. You don't answer my questions, you don't tell me what's going on, I don't know . . . you know what, just forget it." She has given up.
"What? What's going on?"
"Forget it. There's nothing wrong, I'm leaving."
"When will you be back?"
"I won't." It sounded meaner than the meant it too, but she just couldn't deal with it anymore. She was gone and he didn't care.
She turned to walk out the door but Jeff grabbed her hand. "Rachel, don't go."
"Well, why shouldn't I?" she asks, pulling her hand out of his.
"Rachel I'm sorry, and I'll do whatever it takes to get through this. Just don't leave." He sounds really concerned now that he was going to lose her.
"Jeff," she looks into his eyes, but couldn't do it, "no. I'm leaving. I can't deal with this anymore. I'll be at my mothers."
As the door closes behind her she hears him say "no, come back."
She waits just outside the door for about five minutes, hoping he'll come and stop her. But he never does. As her eyes fill with tears she gets in her dark blue car, the car he'd bought her for their tenth anniversary. She briefly thinks about going back in and working things out, but knew that it would be a waste of time. She opens the garage door, backs out of the driveway and drives off into the rain.

My Scary Day

At my father-in-law's house over the weekend I finally realized how close Halloween actually is. On Saturday morning I played with my nephew (who had spent the night at his grandparents) while my husband and father-in-law cooked breakfast. My father-in-law-, being a teacher, really wanted to get his class in the Halloween spirit. To do this, he asked my husband and I to decorate his classroom for this "scary" holiday. To put us in the mood, he decided he would play us an audio tape he always plays for his class.
As he put the tape in, he decided to preface it by setting the scene. Usually when he played this tape, he turned off all the lights in his classroom and had his students close their eyes. He then pushed play. Nothing had prepared me for what I heard.
The tape was a recording of an old radio show. This was the first time I had actually heard a radio show, so naturally I was interested. The man told his audience that he had been brought in for one purpose: to terrify us. He gave more of an introduction, saying that while he was no expert he did know some terrifying stories. He then proceeded to tell four or five scary stories. Now while these weren't really scary to a twenty-one year old, I could understand how they could be horrifying to a ten year old. Even at twenty-one, I found myself kind of freaked out. After several loud noises that scared my six-month old nephew, my father-in-law decided to turn it off. However, the damage was already done; I was freaked out.
About a half an hour later we went to the school to decorate my father-in-law's classroom. Now keep in mind that it's Saturday, so no one was there. My husband sent me into the teacher workroom (right across from his dad's classroom) to cut out some papers. I didn't want to be in there alone, but I figured I would suck it up so we could get out of there quicker. In the middle of cutting, the door opened and in walked another teacher. It scared me half to death. She asked me a couple questions (who I was helping, since I wasn't a teacher), then told me what shetaught. Luckily my husband overheard us and came into the workroom. By that time I was pretty freaked.
I thought things would go better once we were done at the school: I was wrong.
When we got back to my husband's parents' house, they were watching Disturbia with my sister- and brother-in-law. I tried not to watch it, but my husband wanted to see the end. Despite my efforts, I ended up seeing some of the scariest parts. After the movie was over, everyone left, my brother- and sister-in-law to go home and my husband and his parents to get a gift for grandma's birthday. I was too tired, so I decided to stay behind. Being alone in their house was really terrifying. I kept thinking that I heard noises, so I got even more freaked out. I was so happy when they finally got home.
My husband and I decided to watch all of Disturbia, since we had already seen the end. This time, I wasn't quite as scared, since I already knew what was going to happen at the end. When we went downstairs to go to bed, my husband decided to try and scare me by going in the storage room then coming out and saying "Boo!" Normally that isn't scary, but when I am freaked out I am easy to scare. At about midnight I crawled into bed with my husband next to me.
It had been one scary day, and to think it all started with a little audio tape.

The Test

I sat in the exam room, finding it extremely difficult to be patient while waiting for the test results. I looked around the room, desperately trying to find anything that would help distract me for a few more minutes. How long does a test take? My husband, seated in the chair next to me, looked very calm. How could he be so calm? The results of this test would change our lives and he was acting as if it didn't matter. But I already knew the results of the test.
In fact, I've know for about a week now. The symptoms were all there, easily recognizable. If I had only had one or two I wouldn't have bother with any of the tests, but most of them were there so I needed to know. So, I took a test at home. It says to wait three minutes before looking at the results. I never knew three minutes could take so long. Finally, I looked. It was there, though very faint, barely visible against the white background. "I think it's positive," I told my husband, who again seemed completely indifferent to the whole process. He came in and looked at it. "It looks like it," he told me and smiled, "but I think you should take one tomorrow morning, just to be sure."
As he drove me to class all I could think about was the result of the test. I don't want to wait until tomorrow to find out for sure; I need to know now! I somehow convinced him to talk to the doctor about moving up my appointment from Tuesday to today. I couldn't wait the entire weekend to know. I wanted an official test so I could be one-hundred percent sure of the result.
As I sat in class that day I had a hard time concentrating. I kept thinking about that result. If it was positive why was it so light? Are my husband and I really ready for this step? My husband sent me a text message saying they would squeeze me in today right after my class. One o'clock couldn't come fast enough. It was one of those days where time actually seemed to stand still, almost to move backwards. Finally the class was over. I grabbed my stuff and rushed out the door on my way to the doctors.
Waiting alone in the waiting room was almost unbearable. I kept looking at the clock, waiting for them to call my name. The assistant walked out front. "Megan" he called. Finally, it was my turn. He took me back and performed the usual routine--weight, blood pressure, temperature, the questions (are you taking any medications?, are you allergic to anything?). Then they had me take another test. As I left to go take it my husband showed up, which was a relief because I couldn't have faced it alone. there was to much weighing on the results of this test.
The door creaked when it opened, causing me to jump. The short, plump doctor with graying hair came into the room and quickly closed the door behind her. "Congratulations!" she said. A wave of excitement came over me, quickly followed by fear. I smiled at her and then at my husband, knowing that from this point on our lives would never be the same.

The Trip

When I was about ten or eleven years old, my family and I went up to Flaming Forge on a rafting trip. We had to rent the equipment from a little shop, since we didn't own any (in fact, this was the first time the entire family was going rafting together). As the man was getting our stuff together, my parents asked him if the river was safe for children. As a small child I didn't hear or understand a lot of what he said, but what I did overhear scared me. He told my dad that most of the river was safe, there was just one part you had to be careful for. Then, being easily distracted, I walked away to look at something else.
As we walked down to the river I had nervous and excited butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't wait to get out on the river. As we started down the river, I couldn't seem to sit still. i turned this way and that, looking at the beautiful scenery. As the sun got brighter and hotter in a matter of minutes, I wished the trees would bend over the river and provide us shade, instead of providing shade for the empty shore.
As we neared the first set of rapids, I remember being scared and excited (though more scared than excited). As I bounced over the rapids with the raft, I got a face full of spray. I wiped my face as the raft settled back down onto the now smooth river. I was having a lot of fun. But then it happened.
As we neared one set of rapids my parents quickly surveyed the situation. On the side the flowed in to, there was a rock wall with an indentation making a very shallow cave. The rock looked bumpy, and I remember thinking that if we hit that wall the raft would pop. On the other side was the shore where the water was shallower and flowed much slower. In the middle was a gigantic rock, forcing all rafters to choose one side or another. My dad decided to head toward the shallow shore side and my mom wanted to follow the flow of the river. As we got closer my little sister and I tightly grabbed onto the rope at the front of the raft, something we had done through every rapid, while my brother moved back between my parents.
With my mom going one way and my dad going the other we ended up turning around. My dad quickly changed his mind about going toward the shore and started paddling toward the rock wall with my mom, desperate to get us turned around. We almost got straitened out but it was too late. We hit the rock. The boat got caught somehow and my sister and I fell out of the raft. I was able to hold onto the rope, but my sister, being four or five at the time, lost her grip and started floating down the river, aided by her life jacket. My dad leapt out of the raft after my sister and my mom got out and helped me. The only person who remained in the raft (and consequentially, dry) was my younger brother. My mom and I stood in the river, watching my dad struggling with my little sister, trying to keep both their heads above water with little help from his life jacket.
Luckily, three guys on a fishing trip, in a real boat, had seen what had happened. They had quickly paddled down the river to help my dad. They called out to my dad to hand up my little sister and he, reluctantly, handed up my terrified, screaming little sister. Another man then helped my dad into the boat. Once we knew they were safe, my mom and I started walking toward the shore, leaving my brother in the raft. We took about four steps when we heard my brother yell, in a somewhat terrified voice, "Wait for me mommy" and started to climb out of the raft. My mom immediately turned around and said, "Stay there, do not get out of the raft. I'll be right back for you." She got me to shore then went back for my brother and the raft.
The three men pulled the boat up onto the shore with us, and handed my little sister down to my mom. They offered up a ride to the take-out point which my mom and us kids gladly took. My dad and one of the men took the raft, since we were a little apprehensive about getting back in the raft. The ride in the boat was much more enjoyable, and much less scary. The men gave us towels to help us dry off, and even gave us each a soda to help us feel better. It was one trip I will never forget.

Journal Entry 2

I think I am pregnant, but I don't know for sure. I have all the usual symptoms, morning sickness, tender breasts, frequent urination, and today I have had a headache. I don't think I want to know either way. If I am pregnant I know that I'll have to go through a lot more of these symptoms, plus a bunch of others. But if I'm not it will make me sad because I would like a baby. James seems so indifferent either way, it's kind of irritating. I just don't know what to think. I'm going in for a test on Tuesday, I guess I'll find out then for sure. I just wish there was an easier way to have a baby. I think it will be cool to have one, although it will be a lot of work, especially with school, but the whole idea seems to have made me happier. I like the idea of having a little person who loves you and looks up to you. It won't be like at the daycare where most of the kids tend to be brats. It will be fun, I hope.

Unity

I don't understand why everyone is always so angry. People seem to get angry over the dumbest things. In this crappy world, we should be friends. We need to hold on to one another because if we don't have our friends who do we have. Times are hard for everyone, and if we can all stick together instead of tearing each other down maybe our lives would be a little easier.

Journal Entry

"I have been so sad lately and I'm not sure why. Classes are very overwhelming. I'm frustrated because I have never had a problem with handling my classes. It is only the second week and I am so tired and worn out. I feel like all I ever do is work on homework. If I'm not working on it I am constantly worrying about it. Then there is work. My job is driving me absolutely crazy. I hate taking the blame for other people's mistakes. It is so irksome that parents get mad at me when I wasn't even with their kid all day. Then the problem with the checks is absolutely ridiculous. It doesn't take two months to sort out a bank problem. So I put in my two weeks, but I don't know if it will actually happen. I don't care anymore though. I have to concentrate on school because I can't afford to fail any of my classes. It still worries me though, because I am constantly sick. I wake up in the mornings and my stomach hurts and my head hurts. I have just been depressed. It has gotten so bad that sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings. I feel like I am completely losing control of my life, and I have no idea how to regain control again. I feel so alone. I've wanted to talk to James about this stuff, but I have worried him so much already, first with being sick, then with that caffeine freak-out. I just love him so much I don't want him to worry about me. I just wish I knew what to do. Then we are trying to have a baby. I am extremely worried about that because I don't always want to be sad around my child--I feel bad enough being sad around James. I just keep telling myself that I need to take it one day at a time. Just get through this one assignment or just be happy through this one class. I feel like my life is turning into a lie!!"
That was the saddest page on Melissa's journal. She quickly ripped it up so no one else would see. Her husband and family were already worried enough about her, she doesn't want to put them through more pain. As she dropped the tiny pieces of paper into the garbage can, she felt the familiar sting of tears in her eyes. She quickly blinked them away, forced a smile onto her face, and walked downstairs to the dinner table where the rest of her family was waiting for her.

Tractor Parade

The day was hot. It was only ten in the morning, but the sun beat upon you like the waves on the shore. Jessica was loading up her car, anxious to get on the road to college. She was sick of the little town she had lived in all her life. Nothing interesting ever happened, and if it did it was never to her. Her friends were gone, off to big colleges in other states, they had left the year before. Now, finally it was her turn. She had decided to take the year off to help her grandparents. Both were very old and very frail, so they needed a lot of looking after. Somehow her aunt had talked her into staying, to the detriment of her relationship with her parents. Her father was a farmer, he had taken over his grandfather's farm about ten years ago. Her mother was a farmer's wife, which included the duties of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. Both her parents put a high emphasis on education, since neither one went to college - they wanted better for their children. Her parents were furious when she decided to stay to take care of her grandparents, and hadn't really talked to her the entire year. Now that she was on her way, her father became very chatty, and her mother very weepy.
As she stuffed one more bag into the already full car, she heard the familiar sound of a tractor. She glanced back, expecting to see her father firing up the tractor to start the day's harvest. However, the tractor stood still and her father was nowhere in sight. She glanced toward the highway, not expecting to see anyone (no one ever drove down the road unless they were lost or looking for one of the few families that lived beyond their house). What a surprise. Jessica saw the different tractors, all lined up before a police escort, each as different as the person driving them. Some were a bright red and green, bought either this year or the year before. Others were old and worn, rusted from being left out when a sudden rainstorm kicked up out of nowhere. Most had flags attached to them on one side of the seat. Others had umbrellas propped up above the chair, giving their owners some relief from the sun and the heat.
Jessica watched for a few moments as the tractors continued up the road, one after another. She smiled and shook her head. "Only in Bayton." she mumbled under her breath as she closed the car door and went back to the house to say goodbye to her family.

A Professor Cares

I was so afraid to go to my first SCUBA diving class. I have always been afraid of water and in SCUBA that's all you do. As he kept talking about the different tasks we'llbe mastering I only got more nervous. I was so afraid I almost started crying. My husband sitting next to metried to keep me from freaking out, but it didn't seem to work. After the class we went up to talk to the professor. He was so nice about my fear. He told me he'd do everything he can to help me get through it. It was so cool to have a professor who cares that much about his students.